Well, I’ll be going home soon I hear. I’m very excited about it! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that place. Thinking about home makes me think about Linda, so I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. When I was nine, I fell in love with a her. I know that may sound crazy but even today I can’t deny that it was love, I’m sure of it. One day we went out to the movies and she wore this red cap. I remember that I liked it, a lot actually, and it was the first time I had ever seen her wear it. From then on, she never took the cap off, even at school. Kids would tease her and one day, someone pulled the cap off her head. I saw that her head was almost completely bald, with a scar on the side of her skull. I would find out later that Linda had cancer. She died a few months later.
Death, obviously, does not just occur in war. It happens to everyone. The living view death as something that is terrible, irreversible, the enemy. No one wants to face death, why would they? Death is harsh. I’ve experienced the deaths of my friends and of Linda, the one I loved. I’ve had to learn to bear these deaths, like weights they seemed. But, death can be dealt with, using tactics and stories to bring the dead back, to remember them. Through all my experiences with this war, I’ve learned that death is not as much the enemy as I thought it was. Now, I’m not saying its good, but it can be dealt with, as hard as that seems to imagine.
After Linda died, I had to will myself to find ways to bring her back. I was able to, in my dreams, through my memories of her. Just like, through memories, my fellow soldiers from the Vietnam war could bring back a fallen soldier by telling stories as though he were still around. The weight of the loss does not have to be as big a burden this way. Death does not have to always have to be the enemy.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Resurrection
It’s March now. I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Guess I’ve been pretty busy. Anyway, my team from the battle came down for a stand-down and they’ve been here a little while. It’s so nice to see them all again because it’s been so long since I have. They’ve been telling me all kinds of stories of what happened while I was gone. I like hearing these stories a lot because they bring me back to the field, the sense of danger, and risk.
In the first story they told me, Bobby Jorgenson was brought up and I remembered that he had to be with them. I still hated him for almost letting me die out there. I never forgot what he did. I’d been thinking about it for a while and I wanted revenge. I wanted him to feel how he made me feel. “For all my education, all my fine liberal values, I now felt a deep coldness inside me, something dark and beyond reason. It was a hard thing to admit, even to myself, but I was capable of evil.” (191) So, I asked Mitchell Sanders if he’d help me out in getting revenge and when he said no, I asked Azar. He was very willing. We would mess with his head while he was on night guard duty. I was pretty nervous about it actually; I know that it was cruel and wrong but the lines between right and wrong had blurred. We made him believe he was hearing things and going crazy. And finally, we released these “ghosts” from the trees and scared him so much. But then, he understood. He got up, went over to the “ghosts” and shouted my name. then he shot the “ghosts”, which were really just sandbags, and it was called even. Now, Jorgenson and I are almost war buddies, and that’s how I plan to keep it.
In the first story they told me, Bobby Jorgenson was brought up and I remembered that he had to be with them. I still hated him for almost letting me die out there. I never forgot what he did. I’d been thinking about it for a while and I wanted revenge. I wanted him to feel how he made me feel. “For all my education, all my fine liberal values, I now felt a deep coldness inside me, something dark and beyond reason. It was a hard thing to admit, even to myself, but I was capable of evil.” (191) So, I asked Mitchell Sanders if he’d help me out in getting revenge and when he said no, I asked Azar. He was very willing. We would mess with his head while he was on night guard duty. I was pretty nervous about it actually; I know that it was cruel and wrong but the lines between right and wrong had blurred. We made him believe he was hearing things and going crazy. And finally, we released these “ghosts” from the trees and scared him so much. But then, he understood. He got up, went over to the “ghosts” and shouted my name. then he shot the “ghosts”, which were really just sandbags, and it was called even. Now, Jorgenson and I are almost war buddies, and that’s how I plan to keep it.
The Road Back
“I guess the higher-ups decided I’d been shot enough.” (182) So, when I was released from the hospital, they sent me to Headquarters Company supply section. Here I get regular hours again and there’s even an EM club that has movies, beer, and even live shows. For the first time since I’ve been here, I feel safe. There isn’t a constant sense of danger looming over me. I mean, every once in a while we’d get hit with mortar fire but it still was a slim chance anyone could get hurt. So I can’t complain, things are going well.
It’s kind of weird though, living the civilian life again. After being here so long, I almost want to say that I miss the adventure and the risk. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t actually done it, not as a put down or anything, that’s just simply how it is. I think from here on out though, the war for me is over. I don’t think I could actually fight anymore with the continuous ache in my back side. Who knows though, I may at least go back to see my buddies again.
It’s kind of weird though, living the civilian life again. After being here so long, I almost want to say that I miss the adventure and the risk. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t actually done it, not as a put down or anything, that’s just simply how it is. I think from here on out though, the war for me is over. I don’t think I could actually fight anymore with the continuous ache in my back side. Who knows though, I may at least go back to see my buddies again.
The Reward
Here I sit, lying in a hospital bed. I've survived. That was a very scary experience. I really thought I was going to die. “Leaking to death, I thought.” (203). But, I made it out alive.
Throughout the war, I’ve seen so much of it, death I mean, that its become overwhelming. I’ve had to pick up pieces of my friends, and I’ve had to carry the dead bodies of people I don’t even know. It’s sickening. And I try to become detached from it. But there’s some part of you that just can’t.
I feel extremely gracious that I can be here, even in this hospital bed, lying on my belly because I can’t lie on the other side, because I could have wound up like Curt Lemons or Kiowa, or that old man that I saw on my forth day here. But, I didn’t.
Throughout the war, I’ve seen so much of it, death I mean, that its become overwhelming. I’ve had to pick up pieces of my friends, and I’ve had to carry the dead bodies of people I don’t even know. It’s sickening. And I try to become detached from it. But there’s some part of you that just can’t.
I feel extremely gracious that I can be here, even in this hospital bed, lying on my belly because I can’t lie on the other side, because I could have wound up like Curt Lemons or Kiowa, or that old man that I saw on my forth day here. But, I didn’t.
More Ordeal
A couple months ago, I was shot in the side. The medic, Rat Kiley, helped me out and I was off to Japan for treatment. I was surprised though because I kept waiting for the pain to hit and it never did. I got out about a month later and I found out that Rat was gone; he shot himself in the foot, so he could get out of this forsaken place. Everyone says he was going crazy and no one blamed him.
I was shot again recently. It was a rough battle , gunshots everywhere. All of a sudden, I found myself down, with a gunshot to the butt. It’s pretty embarrassing to say, but the experience was not pleasant.When I was shot, the speed of the bullet knocked me clean over. I could feel the heat of my own blood spill over me, even smell my own stench. It felt like I had been waiting a year for help. And I know he saw me, that Bobby Jorgenson. I almost died! Died of shock from waiting so long for him to show up to help! I remember passing out and then waking up. "I wanted to yell, 'You jerk, it's shock- I'm dying!' but all I could do was a whinny squeal" (191). In so many ways though, I’m happy to be alive so I can actually retell that story now.
I was shot again recently. It was a rough battle , gunshots everywhere. All of a sudden, I found myself down, with a gunshot to the butt. It’s pretty embarrassing to say, but the experience was not pleasant.When I was shot, the speed of the bullet knocked me clean over. I could feel the heat of my own blood spill over me, even smell my own stench. It felt like I had been waiting a year for help. And I know he saw me, that Bobby Jorgenson. I almost died! Died of shock from waiting so long for him to show up to help! I remember passing out and then waking up. "I wanted to yell, 'You jerk, it's shock- I'm dying!' but all I could do was a whinny squeal" (191). In so many ways though, I’m happy to be alive so I can actually retell that story now.
The Ordeal
Since I've been here, there have been many struggle. I've been in several battles and I have survived them all. It's hard to see a fellow soldier go down but at the same time, I'm just grateful to still be alive. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that goes on out here. "The bad stuff never stops happening: it lives in its own dimension, replaying itself over and over." (31). There was this one time when Curt Lemons, a soldier, was messing around with Rat Kiley, another soldier, just playin' a game in the tree's when Lemons takes a step to the side and gets blown to pieces. And another time, when Lieutenant Jimmy Cross had us camp out for the night in the village toilet. Of course he didn't know it was the village toilet at the time he told us to camp out there. It was right next to the Song Tra Bong, a river running through the area, and we needed to stop for rest soon. That night, it was pouring, and then it really began to smell, like, like I didn't even know. So the area started filling up fast and the mud became sticky and hard to walk through. Then all of a sudden, a bomb went off and my buddy Kiowa...well, he went down. We spent a long time lookin' for him and finally we found him, by sight of a boot sticking out of the "water". That was hard, let me tell you. In all this time I've spent here, Kiowa has helped me through the majority of it. I miss him a lot.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Approch to the Inmost Cave
I can't believe it. I did it. I killed a man. He was right there, and I didn't even mean to actually kill him, I just saw him and he was the enemy so I threw the grenade, purely without thinking. He was so young. He probably had a lot going for him. Probably just a nice guy, going to school to be a math teacher or something. Planning a future with a girl. They were probably going to get married. I'll never forget his eye. There was a star shaped hole right through it. "His jaw was in is throat...". Kiowa sat beside me the entire time, telling me to stop staring, trying to get me to get up. "Tim, it's a war. The guy wasn't Heidi- he had a weapon, right? It's a tough thing, for sure, but you got to cut out the staring.", he said.
This war, war in general, it really changes you. I never in my life thought I'd ever have to do that. I mean, you don’t think about that sort of thing growing up as a kid. You aren't sayin' "Mommy I wanna kill people when I grow up", you know? But, here I am, fighting in this war I hate, doing all I can to survive and to keep my fellow soldiers alive with me. The thing is though, I haven't even been here long...
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